As I am typing this, I feel weird. I feel vulnerable. Parts of me feel ashamed for admitting that I have PPD, that I still have it, but I feel like more people should talk about PPD. It’s this weird taboo topic that most parents don’t want to discuss. But for any woman out there struggling, I’m here to tell you all your emotions are normal. And it’s ok.

Postpartum depression, otherwise known as the “baby blues,” often happens sometime after childbirth due to a dramatic drop in hormones. Mommys can feel anything from insomnia and irritability to having a difficult time bonding with baby. In some cases, women might even have suicidal thoughts or feelings of low self worth. It can be a scary thing… but you are not alone.

I was blessed to not experience PPD with my first two pregnancies. I had friends who struggled with it, and I had empathy, but I honestly didn’t know what it felt like to experience it. With my girls, I instantly felt a strong bond. I had easy pregnancy and recovery with both. My son has been a different story. I was diagnosed with cholestasis and stayed sick throughout the entire pregnancy. After being diagnosed, my anxiety stayed through the roof, as I was fearful of what might happen to my baby. Thankfully, we were blessed with a happy and healthy boy that I had always wanted!

After only a week, I knew my recovery with this one was different. I’m happy to say that now that I have bonded and am obsessed over Gibbs, but in the beginning that was not the case. Except while nursing, I would ask my husband to hold and care for him more than myself. I felt like I didn’t know how to sooth him. With two under two and a 9-yr-old, most days it felt like I couldn’t breath, like I was drowning. I felt angry and scared and had so much self loathing. Even after I was able to bond with Gibbs, I have still struggled with severe depression. But, I feel like the guilt was what I struggled with the most. Why am I feeling this way when I have a healthy happy baby? All 3 of my children are healthy, I have a happy marriage, I have a blessed life.. I have no reason to feel unhappy. Why am I so sad?

If you ever feel any of these things, never feel ashamed to reach out to friends, family, and your doctor. I honestly did not know what this was until speaking to my doctor. My friends and family have been such a blessing! Although medications work great for some moms with PPD, for me, I just couldn’t find the right combination. Instead, I just happened upon something else that helped… my love of video games.

After getting her first computer, our oldest had been playing Fortnite for a few months. She had been trying to get her dad and myself to join her but, as a typical mom of multiple children, I had no time to play. And any free time I did have, I would not allow myself to relax and have fun. Since having our middle child, it had been almost 2 years since I really played a game. One day, I decided to download Fortnite, just to spend time and play with her. I had no idea how much fun it was! After my daughter had me hooked, we finally got dad roped in. We have all been playing ever since.

I think being part of a team gave me a sense of accomplishment. I could take some frustrations out and have fun customizing my avatar. Every night, after the babies went to bed, Fortnite became our thing. I had something to look forward to. Something that took me out of my head filled with ridiculous thoughts and let me just have fun. While playing, there were no expectations to meet, no bills to worry about, no laundrey to do, or dishes to wash. Just having fun with my family. It sounds a little corny but Fortnite helped me fall in love with video games all over again.

Whether it’s watching your favorite tv show, taking a long walk, baking, or playing some WoW, make time for yourself. I believe that is the key to beginning to feel more like yourself. I’ve never been great at battle royale games, but I’ve had a blast playing Fortnite!